Part 1 can be found here.

Part 2 can be found here.

Part 3 can be found here.

Part 4 can be found here.

Part 5 can be found here.

Part 6 can be found here.

Part 7 can be found here.

______________________________

“When did you find this?”

“I … I …—“

“WHEN?”

“This morning! I found it this morning!”

Burt was beyond maintaining his façade, reduced to nothing but fits of shameful sobs. Shay wanted to have pity for him; but, she didn’t have the time, and more importantly neither did Schwab. So, to speed the process, she did the only thing she could think of. She slapped him.

“It’s not too late to help him. It’s barely passed noon; so, chances are I can still save him. We can still save him. But, in order to do that, I’m going to need your help, and for you to help me, you’re going to have to get your act together. Understand?”

He held his face, obviously still stung by her slap; but he gave her a nodding sniffle. He seemed ready to own up to his part in all of this and try to remedy it as best he could.

“Now that you’re with me, do you have a car here on campus?”

“Uh, yeah, I do. Why?”

“Well, we’re not going to be doing him any favors by trying to walk over to him from here, are we?”

He looked like he had an opinion about what she was implying; but, he was deciding whether or not he should voice it.

“Is there a problem, Burt?”

“Well—“

“Just spit it out already!”

“Nothing, it’s just … well, what about school?”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“It’s just that I have a quiz in sixth period.”

“Fine, whatever, go take your quiz, get the C-plus that you’re probably going to get, and then rest easy knowing that you did nothing to help. God! You’re such a selfish asshole!”

“Never mind, you’re right. Let’s go.”

“Are you sure? You don’t need to take a goddamn potty break before we go?”

“No, I don’t. Let’s go.”

“I’m glad you finally seem to understand the urgency”

The pair snuck off of the school grounds and into the parking lot. Once they were in Burt’s car, they gunned it out into the street and off in the direction of Schwab’s house.

                                                                            ***

Schwab stared into a mirror and saw the hollow eyes that stared back at him. He felt hollow, and in a few minutes, he intended to make his body reflect that sentiment. He wanted it to be empty of everything. No tears. No blood. No soul. Nothing.

Before he started his purge, he looked over at the only memento that he’d brought with him, a picture of Dianne. He kissed it gingerly.

“I never had the chance to say goodbye to you; but don’t worry, I’ll be saying hi to you soon.”

_______________________________

To be continued

Part 1 can be found here.

Part 2 can be found here.

Part 3 can be found here.

Part 4 can be found here.

Part 5 can be found here.

Part 6 can be found here.
________________________________________

Shay waited for Burt to say what he might have seen. She waited and waited and waited some more. In truth, the pause between his confession and his reveal measured up to the count of three shallow breaths; but, for her, it felt like thirty, stale, lung burning, deep breaths. The anxiety was eating away at her. Desperation clung to her every action like a wet blanket that she couldn’t loose herself of. It chilled her. All she wanted was a simple answer.

“Well, what are you waiting for?!”

Burt jumped back from her aggression. He started getting defensive.

“Look, I don’t have to say anything, I hope you realize that.”

“And I hope you realize that what you did to him before he disappeared is directly connected to whatever he’s doing right now.”

“I don’t have anything to do with it!”

“Oh, please, Burt. Be real with yourself. You know damn well that you made his life a living hell. You tortured him!”

“Well—“

“No! There’s no ‘well’ or ‘but’ involved in this at all. If he needed one person to be there for him through all of that, it was you. You were supposed to be his best friend. Again, I get it if you were mad; but, you can’t pretend that you didn’t know that he was hurt. You can’t pretend that you couldn’t have helped each other get through this, that you couldn’t have ended up somewhere better than where you are now.”

“It’s not all my fault…”

“No, it’s not; but, you definitely hold some of the responsibility. You have to know that. It made you feel better, and you didn’t care about the consequences; but now, you need to. That is, unless you are comfortable with carrying the same weight that he did.”

Burt’s eyes started to well up a bit. His body shook with determination; but, he was no match for the emotions that he’d been holding behind the dam of his stoicism. He pulled a crumpled up note out of his pocket.

“I found this outside his house on the driveway.”

“What is it?”

“Just read it.”

________________________

To be continued

I just met my girlfriend’s new roommate’s mother and grandmother.

I’ve never felt so judged in my life. Like, the moment they saw me, I could feel the judgement beaming down on me. I felt it so much that I did something that I almost never do when I first meet someone:

I told them that I was a Microbiology major on my way to being a neurosurgeon. I just felt the need to validate myself in their eyes so they’d stop looking at me with such disdain. I was compelled to convey my intelligence.

In some ways, I just wanted them to know that I was just as good as them, if not better.

I also told them that I write poetry and stories, and almost told them that I rapped; but, I decided that they were too provincial to understand that that could be intelligent too.

I shouldn’t, since I don’t have my surgical license yet; but, I’ve every intention of messing with their heads.

Part 1 can be found here.

Part 2 can be found here.

Part 3 can be found here.

Part 4 can be found here.

Part 5 can be found here.
__________________________________

Days had gone by, and still, he hadn’t returned to school. In fact, no one had seen him outside of school, either. It was as though he’d been plucked from the face of the Earth. At first, no one really noticed, he kept to himself for the most part. But, when teachers started to question his long string of absences, the students started paying attention, and like all teenagers, started making rumors— he ran away with someone he met online, he got admitted into a psychiatric facility, or he killed himself and his family and it was just a matter of time ‘til the bodies were found.

Shay filtered through all of these. She dealt with hearing them whispered through the halls by people who didn’t seem to know anything of him; but, who were still incredibly invested in the latest gossip at the school. The gossip didn’t matter to her. She’d been worried from the first day she realized that his car hadn’t shown up in the parking lot. She only wanted to know that he was okay. She felt that she owed that to him for what he’d done for her. And she realized that she still hadn’t had the chance to explain just how much his little action had meant to her. That was the burden she carried, the lead weight laid squarely on her chest. He’d done something enormous for her and all she’d been able to do in return was the friendly equivalent of handshake.

She didn’t know where he lived and had no way of contacting him. All she had was a goal and her will, and with that, she found a way: Burt. How she was going to figure the predicament out through him, she didn’t know; but, she knew that he was the only viable link that she had to reaching Schwab. So, at lunch one day, she sought him out.

“Burt.”

“What? Why are you talking to me? Shouldn’t you be off with your new boyfriend?”

“He’s not my boyfriend. I can’t even say for sure that he’s my friend; but, I care about him. And I know that at one point, you did too.”

“Well, it would seem that we’re passed that point, aren’t we?”

“Will you stop being an asshole for a second and listen to what I have to say?”

Stunned, he held his next retort on his tongue. His face made it look sour.

“Can you tell me anything about what happened to Schwab?”

“I don’t pay attention to that bastard anymore. He’s dead to me.”

“Look, I get that you’re mad at him. I’m not faulting you for that; but, are you really so mad that you could sit idly by while there’s a possibility that someone that used to be your best friend is in a dire situation?”

“Why should I care? He didn’t.”

“But, you know that’s a lie. You know that what happened destroyed him, and you watched it happen. You watched him spiral into oblivion because you were too proud and too immature in your hurt to realize that he needed just as much help as you did. But, deep down, I’m sure that if something happened to you, you’d realize how much he mattered to you, and how stupid you’ve been for this past year.”

He didn’t speak.

“I’m gonna ask you again, and I’m hoping you’ll give me a better answer. Do you know what happened to Schwab?”

He stared at her, disbelief and confliction written all over his face, for five heartbeats that felt like five hours before he answered.

“I might have seen something.”

_________________________________

To be continued

Part 1 can be found here.

Part 2 can be found here.

Part 3 can be found here.

Part 4 can be found here.

_______________________________

“Hey! Schwab! Wait a second, will you?”

It had taken Shay a few moments to come back to her senses. As she moved, her limbs felt as though they were moving through oil, and she couldn’t figure out how to do it because it had never been done. Much the same way she hadn’t heard such a painstakingly honest confession. By the time she figured out how to work her body in conjunction with her mind, Schwab was almost on the school grounds. She called after him again.

“SCHWAB!”

He stopped. He didn’t turn; but, he waited. When she reached him, he didn’t so much as speak. He only looked at her and waited for what she had to say. His pain was obvious.

“Are you okay? Do you really think you should go to class like this?”

“I’ve been going to class almost every day since it happened without any issues. And, as long as I’m not late, I don’t see why I should start having them today. Weren’t you saying that you couldn’t afford to be late, anyway? You’re wasting time having this conversation. We can talk about this later if you think it’ll make you feel better about the situation. For now, can we just leave it alone?”

He attempted a smile; but, it was bent in the wrong way, and instead made him look like he was in pain, which was actually pretty accurate, all things considered. Shay tried to protest; but, he had already waved her off and disappeared down a hall to his next class. She attempted to reassure herself by reminding herself that he said he’d be willing to talk after class. It still bothered her though. Even more bothersome, though, was the fact that she was so invested in this practical stranger. It was absolutely perplexing. She felt possessed.

Regardless, Schwab had made a point. She was going to be late to her next class if she dawdled there anymore, and tardiness was something she simply could not afford.

He’ll be out here when the day is over. We’ll talk about this then. Everything will be okay. He’ll let me help him. He’ll let me in.

The day dragged on for Shay. She kept checking the classroom’s clocks, often being deceived by the perpetual premature advancement of the minute hand. But, when had a classroom clock ever been right? It was the nature of academia to distort reality. Eventually though, the day ended and Shay rushed to find Schwab. On the way there, she was held up by a teacher, wanting to talk about an assignment she’d done well on. Normally she’d have loved the affirmation and attention; but, all she could keep her mind focused on was talking to Schwab. She apologetically cut her teacher off and darted off to the parking lot.

She got to the spot where he’d parked his car, only to find it empty. She dropped her head in defeat, only to find the likely reason he had left. Egg shells, yolk and other debris littering the ground. He didn’t choose to leave, he was pushed away, and she was too late to stop this from getting worse.

Whether from location or salvation, Shay could only think one thing: He’s gone.
______________________________

To Be Continued

Part 1 can be found here.

Part 2 can be found here.

Part 3 can be found here.

____________________________

Nothing. Not a single word had been spoken between them over the lunch they settled for. Shay had directed him where to go, and the only indication that he’d even acknowledged her presence was the fact that they’d arrived at the right place. He simply drove, his body a tableau with all the misgivings of a brewing tempest.

Now, the car idled in the parking stall, music still blaring in a desperate attempt to drown out the noise of the outside world. However, it was apparent that the noise that was bothering Schwab was coming from within his own skull, being bounced around from neuron to neuron, dendrite to axon. He seemed lost in place. Broken and ashamed. He looked like a man ready to surrender. He looked like he needed a helping hand, and that’s exactly what Shay offered.

“Hey, are you okay?”

He jumped at the first sign of her touch. When he looked over at her, he saw the concern painted boldly on her face. She wanted to help him; she was more than willing to do anything to console him, if only she knew how.

“Schwab, please, talk to me.” she said, softly.

He didn’t hear her words; but, read their desperation as they slipped from her lips. He turned off the car and the stereo.

“It happened last year.”

“What did?”

“Please, just listen. This is hard enough for me to talk about as it is. I’m trusting you right now. Just … let me finish, first.”

“Okay.” She settled in her seat, giving her full attention. The world could have been burning around the cabin of that car and she would not have noticed. Unfortunately, the only thing burning was his face.

“Last year, I was dating a girl. Her name was Dianne. She was Burt’s sister and Burt and I were best friends.”

He paused to collect himself before continuing.

“I used to like to party all the time. Drinking and smoking were just a way to pass the time. And when I indulged, I did so heavily, no inhibitions. I guess that’s something I picked up from my alcoholic father. Anyway, despite my obvious faults, Dianne loved me and we had a pretty good relationship.  I depended on her and she depended on me. She never let me down, and for the most part, I didn’t either. At least, not until the night I decided to rearrange my priorities.

My dad and I had gotten into a fight over something petty; I don’t even remember what it was anymore. All I remember is that the house was booming with our voices and being in each other faces. He slapped me, and before I knew what was happening, my fist was balled and heading on an express course for his jaw. It didn’t stop for a layover. After I hit him, I ran up to my room, ashamed of what I’d done. I had these little things of hard liqueur stashed in my room. I locked the door to my room and listened to my parents banging on it while I drained six of those little bottles. I got so smashed that I passed out and didn’t wake up until about seven hours later. The problem was that I’d neglected to remember that I’d told Dianne that I’d pick her up from the city when she was done hanging out with her friends. I didn’t show up. She tried to get home by taking the bus; but, before she even got to the stop, she was raped and mugged. They left her body, ruined and bare, in a pile of trash. I woke up to thirteen missed calls from Burt and his parents, trying to see where we were. They assumed that I’d kept my word. It only took us an hour to find out the consequences of my actions. Burt and my friendship ended that night. He grew to resent me. He had every right to after what I allowed to happen to his sister.

I spent the next months trying to numb the pain with cheap wine. When Burt found out, he castigated me and took to calling me Two Buck Chuck. You know, like the cheap wine? Well, yea. We don’t talk anymore unless he’s yelling at me. I don’t have any right to say anything back to him; but, only my love for his sister keeps me from striking at him. He acts like it didn’t hurt me, too. He acts like I didn’t weep myself into painful submission. He acts like I don’t carry that weight on my shoulders.

I get his anger, though. I get why he was upset seeing me with you. You look a bit like her. There’s nothing I’d hate more than seeing my sister with the guy that let her get killed. I wish I could tell him that I’ve improved, that I could earn his forgiveness. But, I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve anything.”

Shay was speechless. She couldn’t believe what she’d heard. She remembered the story. This boy didn’t seem anything like what she had imagined he would be. He was full of life, energy and a passion that did not add up to that incident. And now, after one conversation with Burt, all of that life was gone.

As a tear rolled down Schwab’s cheek, he opened the door of his car and got out, closing it behind him. Shay was left behind, still trying to catch up to him.
__________________________

To be continued

Part 1 can be found here.

Part 2 can be found here.
_______________________________
It was busy inside the restaurant, thick with the body heat of adolescents and the grease of fast food. As disgusted as Shay felt she should be, she couldn’t help but enjoy being there, in the thrall of everything, being involved in life.

“I’ve never been here before, what’s good? It smells kind of delicious!”

“Well, I’ve grown fond of the Pastrami Bacon Cheeseburger; but, I really enjoy my meat … so, yea…” He trailed off, for some reason, feeling the need to justify his tastes. “But, if that’s not your thing, I hear their chicken sandwiches are pretty good! I hear especially good things about the Spicy Buffalo Chicken Sandwich. Something about the buffalo sauce being a secret family recipe or something like that—“

Shay heard what he was saying; but, she was so busy taking everything in, all of the life that was happening around her, the way people seemed to know how to move in this beautifully orchestrated manner that allowed them to coexist. Everyone just seemed to melt into their own place. She couldn’t believe that she had been depriving herself of this experience. It seemed crazy. Unreal, even. And as she was absorbing the environment, she got caught on the sneer of a boy’s face. He didn’t seem to be looking at her; but, he was looking in her general direction. Right next to her. At Schwab. She looked at him and he was completely oblivious to the boy.

“—but yea, really anything is good here as long as you don’t get the tuna. But, then again, who really gets fish at a fast food place? That’s just dangerously silly. Anyway, can you wait in line for a bit, I really need to go to the bathroom and I like to wash my hands before I eat. Force of habit, you know? I’ll be back in a second.”

Still perplexed by the boy’s expression, she absently responded, “Yeah… sure.”

He was already gone, probably unaware that his frantic energy was apparent to anyone who was paying attention. She laughed and turned back toward the line, only to find the boy fast approaching her.

Read More

Part 1 can be found here.

__________________________

The powerful sounds of drums and bass pounded through the seats while guitar and violin harmonized to create a dense ambient wave that crashed over both listeners in the vehicle.

Schwab glanced over at Shay. He couldn’t really read her expression; so, he decided to interject.

“I hope my music isn’t too loud.”

Snapping back to the present, she responded, “Huh? Oh, no. No, it’s really immersive.” She laughed inwardly. “Actually, I kind of got lost in the sound.”

“Isn’t it great? I just got my sound system upgraded last week. It’s a Kenwood 180 watt, three way speaker system! It comes with six and a half inch woofers, half inch tweeters, and a counter drive magnet circuit! Not to mention the fact that the frequency range—“ He noticed the glazed over look in her eyes and stopped. “Umm, yea … they’re good speakers.”

“I gathered that much from your enthusiasm.” She smiled at his bashfulness.

“Anyway, I just wanted to listen to some music that would really capitalize on the dynamic abilities of the speakers. Plus, the bass acts as a bit of a massage on the way to and from school. It’s nice!”

“What band is this? Do they ever sing?”

“It’s a band called Mogwai. They do sing; but, it’s kind of rare. I don’t really think you listen to them for the voice or the lyrics.”

“As nice as the music is, why listen then?”

“Well, that’s the thing. This music leaves it all up to you. You give it the weight. You give it the value. It’s all open to your own interpretation, and it can change along with you and how you feel! I’ve listened to this whole CD three times in the past two days, and it hasn’t been an identical experience. There are so many subtle nuances for me to pick up on every time. I love it!”

“Wow. You really like music, don’t you?”

“Yea, I do. It’s just one of the little things in this world that keeps me sane. I don’t know what I’d do without it.”

“The little things really are the most important to you, aren’t they?”

“What?”

She dismissed his question with a shake of her head and smiled without responding further. They kept going for a while, enjoying the sounds as they cascaded over their senses. Just as they pulled into the driveway of the place they were going to eat, a greasy, local burger joint, Shay turned to Schwab and asked him a question.

“Hey, Schwab?”

“What’s up?”

“Do you mind if I borrow this CD for a day? I really want to listen to it, see what it means to me.”

“Oh, sure thing! I’m glad you like it! Not too many people seem to appreciate this style of music. You’re welcome to borrow it as long as you like. I’ve got it on my iPod anyway.”

“Thanks, Schwab.”

“No big deal,” he beamed back at her.

But, there was so much she was thanking him for, and he didn’t have the slightest clue. He really was worth the investment. For the tiny risk she had taken, she’d no idea the reward could be so immense.
__________________

To Be Continued

You tell me that I should cry, to just let it out.

I won’t. God promised that this world would not end in a flood, and who am I to break the word of the divine?

I think my depression has finally started to show physically.

My dad came to see me for the first time in about a month.
He asked me if I was sick. I asked him why.
He said that my eyes looked empty. I said I was fine.

I guess I finally look as lifeless as I feel.