“I do trust you.”

He’s out with that girl
screwing her, getting her pregnant.
He doesn’t even care about school
he is giving up his future.
He’s not studying; he’s gone out
drinking and smoking,
and what’s this rap stuff?
He just wants an image so he can
pull in girls all the time.
He doesn’t like any of that.
I used to have a genius; now,
I have him.
He’s just a degenerate;
he’s not my son.
The way he is now,
he’s not worth anything
and he won’t amount to anything.
He thinks I don’t know
what he’s really doing.
But yeah, I trust him.

have you ever considered yourself?

every blink
every breath
every heart beat

is just part of
a long countdown
that never seems
to last quite
long enough.

there’s a bullet
nestled in this chamber.
it looks cold and
i just want to
give it a nice warm home.

knowledge is power
and also a weapon.
so what would you call
the knowledge of
the whereabouts
of a powerful weapon?
because i have that.
i just don’t know
what i’m going to do
with all of this power.

i’m well; so why don’t you
come in and have a seat,
kick up your feet. relax.
this can be your home
if you like.
just promise me that
while you’re here
you’ll take over my appliances
trash my upholstery
and eat all my food.
i want you to overstay
your welcome.
i want you to
make your presence overwhelming.
make of you to spread
across this world.
and when you can’t fit in
with me anymore,
cut me out and find somewhere else.
take over.
just make sure you
start with me.
i’m well right now;
i don’t want to be.

matter cannot be destroyed
or created; but,
it can be changed
or rearranged for alternate purposes.
so, i guess i can take solace
in knowing that the amount i used to matter
hasn’t been lost to the world,
just reallocated to something
or someone better.

September 27, 2011

I’m going home!  I’ve just received my notice of eligibility for leave of duty. I’m going home, away from the heat, away from the stress of surviving, away from the violence, away from the killing. I’m going back to civility. It’s been six months since I’ve been home and tasted my mother’s cooking. It’s been six months since I’ve been able to horse around with my brother and kick his ass in Call of Duty. It’s going to be great now that I’ve got field experience. He doesn’t stand a chance. It’s been six months, one week, and three days since I’ve last felt my girlfriend’s lips anywhere on my skin. I can’t wait to feel that again! I’ve been gone six months and I get to have fifteen days in paradise.

I’m going home!

October 7, 2011

I got back home on a Friday. All of my friends came to see me for the welcome home party. I was pretty tired from the international flight; but, when I saw everyone there for me, I found the energy I needed to power through. A party is just as important as any battle, right? It was so good to be back with the people that loved me.

The dynamics were a little weird though. Mom and Dad seemed a little preoccupied with their thoughts, my brother seemed like he was just anxious to get out of the house, and my girlfriend came showed up with my best friend. I guess he needed a ride though, that guy never did bother to get one.

October 9, 2011

I rested today. It was nice to just be in my bed. It was familiar. I find it a little odd that she didn’t come to keep me company in it though…

October 10, 2011

I just realized that no one is ever home. When they are, no one speaks. I don’t remember this kind of silence. On base there’s never a quiet moment until we sleep. My brother never seems to be in the house at all. His Xbox is gone too. Come to think of it, his room is pretty bare. Did he leave? No one told me anything. This silence is so foreign to me now. And on the topic of silence, she still hasn’t called.

October 14, 2011

I guess he did leave. He got tired of dealing with the emptiness here. I guess he wanted to feel something. And I get it. Being here should feel warmer than this. Being here shouldn’t make me feel hollow. This is my home. This is where my substance comes from. Why don’t I feel like this place has had life in it for as long as I’ve been gone? How could six months change what should be a constant so drastically? This place doesn’t make any sense to me. I don’t like it here. At least she’s here. Or at least she should be.

October 15, 2011

I was wrong. She’s not here anymore. It seems as though she was empty. Or maybe she just needed her hole filled. I’m glad she fell onto my best friend. He said he’d always take care of her if something happened. I didn’t realize something happening meant my deployment. I’m sick of this place. There’s nothing for me here.

October 18, 2011

I’m leaving early. I can’t deal with being here. I can’t deal with this hollowness that seems to have enveloped this town. I need to keep moving, the same way they did when I left. There’s so much anger stewing in my chest. I can’t wait to be back in the barracks. I can’t wait to be back in the field. The world is real out there. All you have is yourself and your team. You know they won’t let you down. You know they won’t abandon you because you’ve disappeared for a while. They’ll search.  They will pull you, kicking and screaming, from whatever has stopped you from keeping up.

I miss the violence now. I miss the feeling of my rifle in my hand. I miss the sounds of carnage. They were real. They made me feel alive. Seeing death is a true reminder of what it is to be alive. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go back to this suburban life. I need the commotion now. I need the chaos. It just feels right.

I’m going back now. I’m going home, my real home. I’m going to die there.

One glass.

I hope this burns me on the way down. I need something to sear you out of me. I need the antiseptic properties to eradicate the infection that has grown itself into my lungs. I need to feel your grasp wrenched free from every part of me because I can feel you in every part of me. I need you gone. I want you gone.

One pill.

I hope this makes the pain go away. I had become so accustomed to your presence that I’d forgotten what it was like to stand on my own. I had forgotten how heavy a spine could be. I forgot the way I was cracking before you decided I held interest. I miss you. The air burns on the spots you left exposed. I wasn’t ready. Not for this.

One coffin.

At least I won’t have to feel what it is to have you infiltrate me again. At least I won’t have to miss you anymore. The dirt will keep me company. My spirit will set me free. One glass. One pill. No more your cheap thrill.

it seems that when people
are willing to open,
primed and ready for
true exploration;
the ones who should be
diving in,
decide that something else
has tickled their fancy.

you are left open,
hoping someone might notice you
and take a little leap
into the wonders you have hidden.
no one does.
you’re the unearthed treasure
that no one will touch.

The sea and the shore,

So different from themselves,

Still coexisting.